unnecessary complications

I suffer from a disorder of thinking too much. That's all I do, think, think and think some more. I think about people, and the people that surround me. At times I am not able to comprehend their actions, leaving me with a blank face waiting to explode with emotions that can try to express what I feel. I have felt betrayal, companionship, insignificance, hatred, love, success, and at times confusion, but I seem to never understand it all. The actual mental growth process a human being encompasses is the most important factor in their life. At times, my thoughts may seem selfish and careless. I have felt too many times the feeling of being used and forgotten. This has led me to trust no one, except for the small circle of friends and family that dare to see me as who I am and nothing more, nothing less. These thoughts that fly around in my mind cannot be expressed to this keyboard and monitor. I think about how people can lose faith in each other and simply pull off Oscar-worthy performances around one another. You get to school and you see nothing but a bunch of lies, grouped up in a corner and away from the world. They can look at you and say one thing, turn around and throw your name under the bus. Then when the time comes around and they need your assistance, their vocal chords seem to only be able to recreate your name and nothing else. You are just another name in the phone book, another "friend" from school. You become an ATM machine that shelves out help, and at times can be conveniently reached by car. They never make a deposit, but they can't stop withdrawing more and more of what you offer. You never get the straight answer or a statement that has not been flooded by lies. And when you try to recreate these thoughts to another human being, you are always left with the same dumbfounded response, "You think too much. Don't worry about it." How the fuck can I not worry about it? This is what's going on in my mind, and you think I shouldn't give a damn about it? Why should I worship this god, wear these clothes, drive this car, live in this city, go to this school, listen to this type of music, get paid this much, eat this type of food, watch this show, and do this and that? Wow, do I wish that I thought too much! If this amount of thinking has led to this, imagine how much is left to reach that point of serenity I desire! I don't understand other people, and they don't understand me. I can't just throw this all away and simply not care. Anybody walking down the street takes a quick glance, and I give one right back. End of story, over, finished; it is now in the past. When is that glimpse going to lead to something other than eye contact? Some people tell me never, but I can't stop fantasizing, can I? Why are there people trying to limit the creative extremes of my brain? Trying to limit what is possible and not possible? I think about the people who think they have reached the mountain and are at the top, drinking champagne and spitting it back at the people still climbing, giving them a cruel glimpse of what they are putting all their energy into. These people are the most lost in the world, the people that may be at the top of a mountain, but can never remember that mountain's name. So, you have reached the end of this post. Was this just some bullshit, or did this really matter? (I find it more pleasing at sea level if you ask me; the low atmospheric pressure can do some crazy things to you at the top of a freezing chunk of giant rock).