closure

a crashing halt. the sudden ton of pressure felt by your heart. the mixed signals in your brain, the beginning of the "what if" scenarios and the inevitable denial. when everything went upside down last christmas and i was suddenly faced with the likely passing of my grandfather, i changed my priorities. the man lives thousands of miles away, and hasn't seen me in the flesh for 16 years. but every time i talked with him on the phone, i could feel all the love he had for my sisters and i. there was unsurmountable joy on his face when looked at each other face-to-face through a video call. i always remained hopeful that the day would come that we could finally meet, hug, and talk. so when my mom had to fly to armenia to look after my grandfather in what could be his final days, everything changed. the doctors said he had about a week to live. but my mom came back in three weeks and he was getting better. i knew he was tough, having gone through a stroke years ago. i was optimistic that he was going to make it past the cold armenian winter and get better. but my mom's daily call to armenia two nights ago didn't begin with the usual hello. the stark change in her tone has she said my uncle's name felt light a lightning bolt went through me, as i suddenly faced the death of my grandfather.

pictures of my family were spread across his home, some showed me as a six year old kid, others as an 18 year old adult. his voice just rings through my head, his amazing love for a person he only talks with through a phone. if only my armenian could have been more proficient, the longer our conversations would be. my mind rings with thoughts of us meeting, of us having the same relationship as i have with my paternal grandfather. the way he said my name, just the joy that was obviously felt by his voice...i was his eldest grandson. i was his pride and joy, the kid he told everyone about, the kid that would one day make it...the kid he would finally see in the flesh one day. rest in peace grandpa, i love you.