unprocessed

just a couple inches to the left, and it would have been different. drastically different. the sound of the waves crashing against the rocks, the mist sprayed on my glasses - it all added up to a horrible situation. but it had little to do with what just happened. by this time, my feet were numb from the cold waters of the Pacific, and with the sun fading away in the orange horizon, a simple t-shirt did little to provide warmth. i still had it in my hand, gripped so tight blood ceased to flow in a couple of my fingers. there i was, alone. standing in the same place for hours, i thought time had stopped. suddenly, seconds became minutes and minutes became hours; as robert plant said, i was 'dazed and confused.' the mark was still there on the rocks and so was a part of myself. i couldn't go back now. a quick glance to the watch and i realized i only had 20 minutes left. that's 1200 seconds of a thoughtless mind staring nowhere. it hadn't sunk in yet. i hadn't processed it. no more bail outs, no more second chances, it was finally over. the laws dictating the land had caught up with me, figuring out my every move and trapping me in a situation that was impossible to flee. just when you thought you had it beat, it bites you in the ass and doesn't let go. i wished that it was me laying there on the jagged rocks - it was me that would soon be fish food. she was my life. there's no point to anything anymore. how did they find us? 9 minutes left. with the remaining strength i had, i pulled back my arm and threw it into the ocean as far as i could. six years of countless sleepless nights, thousands of dollars, and six years of my life just falling to the bottom of the ocean. i felt betrayed by my own people. a world of ignorant hollow-minded people pushing the planet to the brink of self-destruction. and to think i thought i could change all of this. with 2 minutes left, i reached into my back pocket. the picture in my hand depicted a time radically different than today, a time of innovation and prosperity. my final thoughts were wrapped around the reason i let her drive today. she had been begging to drive that thing, and i thought being thousands of miles away made us safe. i still remember that smile when i handed over the keys. but nothing could have prepared me for the feeling i felt when i saw the car pull to our side. the ocean to our left suddenly became a black tinted window that opened to reveal the barrel of a gun staring back at us. i lunged forward for the wheel, but in a matter of seconds my hands were covered in blood. the car sped down the road and after rolling six times, our car came to a stop on the shore. she was gone. that was supposed to be me. 15 seconds left. if only i clicked away a couple inches to the left and i never replied to her message. she wouldn't be dead now. my watch's alarm went off. the car's door closed. i knew they were coming back. the familiar gunshot went off - the bullet crashing straight through my